Real, Not Real
by Dragon Elexus
Summary: Over the millennia, a Pearl struggles to hold onto what is hers.


**Author's Note:** A happy birthday week to the Rebel Leader of the Pearletariat, TheBlindBandit!

 **Real, Not Real**

Pearls had scarcely little that was their own.

Their actions were all ordered. Their clothes were all designed to another Gem's wishes. The items they carried were always for someone else. They did not even have true names. All other Gems had a cut and a facet, but Pearls were simply called by their Master's name.

They had their thoughts, at least. Their own opinions, their own feelings, however well hidden.

Blue Diamond's Pearl had even less than that.

Blue Diamond's mind was strong. Whatever she felt, others felt too, their minds bending to the will of someone even greater.

There had been a time- long ago, before the war- when serving in Blue Diamond's court could be a joy. She would laugh, and everyone else would laugh too, more than happy to be buoyed up by another's elation.

Pearl had disliked it, even then. Or she'd disliked it when she had the chance. When that giddiness was running through her, it was impossible to resent it, to feel anything but ecstasy. But when it faded, it always left her feeling small and hollow and uncertain. Like something had been taken from her.

That was how it had started.

"You look lovely," Blue Diamond would say, after Pearl had regenerated. And Pearl would tell herself that actually, she thought the top was too frilly and the drooping hair too silly.

"I find reports from Emeralds to be quite tedious," Blue Diamond would complain to her fellows. And Pearl would tell herself they were the most exciting things ever, and take care to hang onto every word.

"The rebellion's end cannot come soon enough," Blue Diamond would snarl after being informed of yet another raid on Kindergarten. And Pearl would tell herself that she hoped the rebels never, ever lost.

She'd tell herself these things, and she'd repeat them, in her head, again and again and again. And when Blue Diamond's emotions washed over her, drowning out everything else, Pearl would cling to those thoughts like a lifeline.

 _Real real real real real…._

When Pink Diamond had been shattered, and Blue Diamond had cried, and her grief had struck Pearl to the ground, shaking and sobbing and clawing at herself, Pearl had told herself words she didn't feel: _I don't care I don't care I don't care I'm glad she's gone._

But with every passing century, it became harder and harder and harder to tell what was real. Which thoughts had been put there by someone else, which thoughts Pearl had created just to be contrary, which thoughts were true and genuine… they blended together, fused, until they resembled little more than one of those shambling shard experiments.

Still Pearl held tight onto her mantras, repeating them ad nauseum… but with every repetition they lost weight.

The words in her mind were just that- _word_. They felt so feeble, so fragile, so easy to dismiss as fiction.

Pearl missed someone. Of that she was sure. Someone she had lost, who was gone, someone she would never see again.

She just wasn't entirely sure _who_.

Pink Diamond's face hovered in Pearl's mind.

 _Not real not real not real not real..._

Maybe yes. Maybe no. But still, there were days, where Pearl longed for nothing more than to see her just once more.

* * *

Eventually, that day came.

Blue Diamond wasn't there. Wasn't looking over Pearl's shoulder, wasn't manipulating her thoughts. Hopefully, she never would again.

Pearl clenched her fists.

Whatever she felt then would be wholly her own.

In front of her was another Pearl.

This Pearl stood tall, head held high. ( _Unseemly._ ) Her outfit was a bizarre mix-match of colors. ( _Garish_.) She clutched a spear in her hand. ( _Disgraceful._ ) Her diamond had been replaced by a five pointed star. ( _Sacrilegious_.)

"You're alive," Pearl said.

"So I am," agreed the rebel. She gave a satisfied smile, and it was beautiful.

Pearl stood there, trying to sort through the confused tangle of emotions deep in her core; betrayal, shock, joy, grief, relief, anger, disgust, wonder…

Finally, Pearl answered, with some surprise on her part: "I missed you."

(It hadn't been Pink Diamond after all. _This_ was the Gem had Pearl wished and wished she could see again.)

She was rewarded with an even brighter smile, the rebel Pearl banishing her spear and stepping closer. "Well, I rather missed you too."

Pearl was seized with an impulse, so sudden and fierce, that she barely realized what she was doing. She reached forward, pulled the other Pearl in by the shoulders, and pressed her lips against hers.

"Oh!" the rebel managed, and then answered with a kiss in kind.

And the joy that burned through Pearl was real real real _real_.


End file.
